Don't you hate somebody who is always upbeat? "What a beautiful day!" they will say, even when it's been 40 degrees and pouring rain and sleet all week. My enthusiasm for antiques and this column might qualify me as one of those 
sunny-day idiots. "Buy
Wallace Nuttings pictures and high grade Empire furniture and every other old thing you come across!" I will say. "In addition to being a great hobby and decoration, collecting antiques is a super arena in which to diversify your invest dollars." Ugh!
For those of you fed up with such twaddle, we offer you a break. In 1967 Mad Magazine's Al Jaffee published his classic "Mad Hate Book" featuring a collection of pet hates we all love to loath: "Don't You Hate: talkative barbers with bad breath, wire hangers, parents who don't supervise their ill-mannered brats in restaurants," etc. That concept in mind, Antique Talk presents its very own "DON'T YOU HATE?" list for antiques.
DON'T YOU HATE? Mothers and wives who slam on their brakes and park in the middle of the road or some poor schleps' yard every time they come across a sign reading "TAG SALE."
DON'T YOU HATE? Morons who leave their tag sale signs hanging on every telephone pole in town six years following the last day of their sale.
DON'T YOU HATE? Dealers who don't put price tags on their antiques.
DON'T YOU HATE? Finding an infinitesimal "Made in Taiwan" stamp on that rare pair of 1960's vintage Gucci sunglasses you just bargained away for $500 at the local flea market.
DON'T YOU HATE? Going back to buy that greatest antique you ever saw at a show and finding a big red SOLD tag on it.
DON'T YOU HATE? Attending a huge outdoor antique show and finding out (too late) that there's only two Porta Potties to accommodate 20,000 people.
DON'T YOU HATE? Customers who ask you to do "a little better" after you've just knocked 40% off the already too cheap price tag.
DON'T YOU HATE? Demeaning antique shop clerks who look at you like you just got evicted from St. Maria's Pitiable Home for the Poor and Destitute.
DON'T YOU HATE? Pompous antique customers who act like they've descended from Cornelius Vanderbilt's Marble House in Newport Rhode Island.
DON'T YOU HATE? Trying to get comfortable on a horsehair upholstered tufted Victorian sofa or one of those rickety Victorian ballroom chairs that must have been intended only for ballerinas.
DON'T YOU HATE? Long-winded auctioneers with an attitude.
DON'T YOU HATE? Low budget country auctioneers who charge higher buyer's premium rates than Christies and Sotheby's.
DON'T YOU HATE? Packing your van as tight as a wound golf ball and then realizing your wife's favorite purchase of the night – a circa 1930 easy chair in garish red velvet upholstery – still has to fit in somewhere.
DON'T YOU HATE? Hearing raindrops when you start repacking that van.
DON'T YOU HATE? The fact that Jackie Onassis's fake pearls brought a quarter million dollars and Frank Sinatra's mailbox fetched over ten grand a the same auction house that just sold your circa 1825 Duncan Phyfe attributed lyre shaped classical work table for $340.
DON'T YOU HATE? Rug dealers who tire-kick that beautiful Persian carpet you've had your eyes on all during preview, dissuading you from any bidding interest.
DON'T YOU HATE? That same rug dealer who did most of the knocking, end up with the Kazak of your dreams for only $100. Then watching him emote.
DON'T YOU HATE? American furniture dealers who think the great treasures of Paris, London and Luoyang City can't hold a candle to that 18th century New England blanket box they've just found in old brown paint.
DON'T YOU HATE? European antique dealers who can't seem to extract the French from their proper English even though they were born in Brooklyn and raised in a small suburb outside of Cleveland.
DON'T YOU HATE? Staying home Monday night to watch the Antique Roadshow only to learn that they're playing that same Arizona Convention Center rerun you've seen 47 times.
DON'T YOU HATE? Watching the Keno's start jumping up and down like children on the Roadshow after that lady unveils the same $25 card table you sold her ten years ago at your garage sale.
DON'T YOU HATE? Having someone point out at your haughty cocktail party that you've been hanging your Jackson Pollack upside down for the last twenty years.
DON'T YOU HATE? Newspapers that run sophomoric antique columns like this!
Don't You Hate?! - "Mad" Thoughts About Antiques
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