Antique Talk is proud to present our own, "if any thing can go wrong it will," look at antiques: Murphy & Friends Laws of Antiques.

1. Murphy's First Law - No antique is as rare, old, or valuable as it seems-unless your neighbor owns it.

2. Jenning's Corollary Concerning Oriental Carpets and Pets - Old and precious carpets weaken bowels and bladders.

3. Shelly's Rule - The best tag sales always have the least parking.

4. Don's Law of Diminishing Opportunity - The odds of finding one of the forty original priceless copies of the Declaration of Independence in the backing of an old frame increased to one-in-ten-billion, after you sold yours at a flea market for five bucks last year.

5. Tucker Frey's Universal Truth - The only sure way to find bargain prices at an auction is to consign your antiques there.

6. Hotkowski's First Law Concerning Porta - Potties and Outdoor Antique Shows - During that one ten minute period of the day when the sun blazes the hottest, Mother Nature invariably calls.

7. Hotkowski's Second Law Concerning Porta - Potties and Outdoor Antique Shows - The biggest, most wretched slob in three states, will always be standing one spot ahead of you in line.

8. McCarthy's Axiom - Tell a man you saw a flying saucer last night, and he'll believe you. Tell him your mechanical bank is in working order, and he'll put a coin in to see for himself.

9. Samaha's Appreciation Edict - The antiques that will rise the most in value tomorrow are those same items you sold yesterday.

10. Kathy Lee's Dictum - An antique that seems too good to be true, probably is.

11. Einstein's Law - All people whose mother was born before the year 1945 can rest assured in the knowledge that she threw away the following articles:

A.) Your baseball card collection including two Mickey Mantle rookie cards and one Honus Wagner tobacco card in mint condition.
B.) Every Barbie and GI Joe Doll including accessories, and the original boxes you painstakingly packed away in the attic.
C.) Anything having to do with the Arts & Crafts period.
D.) Uncle Mill's entire collection of hand-painted tin toys, lead soldiers, and boxed trains.
E.) Your enormous comic book collection including the first issues of Superman, Batman, and Spiderman.

12. Nancy's Law - The odds of the tricycle running into the card table are directly influenced by two factors; the strength of the table's legs, and the value of any objects set upon it.

13. Ferguson's Observation's Concerning Flea Markets - No matter how early you arrive, you'll always get there too late. The best buy of the day always take place in front of you.

14. The Breakability Factor of Glass and Porcelain - Any vase dropped in a tall grass meadow will invariably land on a rock. The number of rocks in the field is irrelevant.

15. Caba's Axiom Concerning Signatures and Paintings - The legibility of the signature is inversely proportional to the importance of the artist.

16. Murphy's Theory Concerning Antique Dealers - To spot the expert, pick the one who charges the most money.

17. Marshall's Tenets Concerning Three Day Antique Shows - If it doesn't sell in the first hour, it isn't going to sell. If it doesn't sell in the first ten minutes it won't sell in the first hour. Nothing sells in the first ten minutes.

18. Hammitt's Constant - The odds of a husband and wife agreeing on any antique purchase are practically zero.

19. Murphy's Formula For Discerning The Value Of Any Antique - Write down what you paid for it. Multiply that figure by two. Divide this figure in half. This is the value.

20. Cohan's Edict - No matter how much care and money you put into your antique collection, your neighbors are still going to think its trash.

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